NFL Is Back!

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The NFL season kicked off last night with the Super Bowl rematch between the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers. And this Sunday, there’s a full slate of games. If that bores the hell out of you, here are The Top Reasons You Aren’t Into the NFL.

You only like sports where they don’t keep score and everyone gets a trophy.

 The name of that one team is offensive to you. You know, the Giants. Because you’re 7-foot-4.

Colin Kaepernick disrespects the greatest country on Earth. Okay, the country just south of the greatest country on Earth.

 You’re still furious that Brett Favre never texted you that “junk” photo he promised.

You’re a baseball fan, so the game has way, WAY too much action.

You’re a Cleveland Browns fan, so you’ve never seen professional football.

You’re the one weirdo who actually likes spending time with your significant other.